


On the Edge

by castronomicaaal



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:56:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3292871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castronomicaaal/pseuds/castronomicaaal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the very first moment Beth Greene meets eyes with Rick Grimes, truly meets eyes with him, she knows that he is destined to forever change her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the Edge

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written as a collection of several separate moments all taking place on the Greene family farm and cater to the developing relationship between Beth and Rick. The timeline loosely follows that of the second season. If you do not want to read about an underage relationship this is not the story for you. My fictional views do not represent my own personal life views. Please review, I would love to know your thoughts!

_On the edge of the dark, I wait for the sun to rise._

_Oh, there’s still a little light that shines, deep in my tired eyes._

* * *

 

She finds herself thinking about him late at night, toes curled beneath the blankets as the soft sound of rain taps against the roof of her home.

Beth sighs deeply before attempting to burrow down deeper in between the sheets.

The first time Rick Grimes had shown up on the farm, the blonde had been scared. She had been scared of him, scared of his bloody child, but mostly scared of letting them in.

Then he had promised her father that Carl wasn’t bitten, just shot, and her mind had switched from her own survival to his sons in a matter of seconds.

Beth didn’t really have too much time by that point to look Rick over or take in his appearance and learn anything about him. Everyone, herself included, had been far too focused on saving Carl’s life.

But now that Carl is doing better, he’s been awake and speaking a few times, she realizes something: tonight is the first time since their arrival that she’s gotten a truly good, real hard look at Rick.

The flutter in her stomach when she had met his eyes that afternoon, standing idly by while Hershel changed Carl’s bandage, has yet to go away and it’s been hours. There was just something mesmerizing about those blue eyes of his and she’d felt her breath catching when she’d originally taken notice.

A part of her hates herself for it, too. She already knows that Hershel isn’t interested in keeping Rick around, in keeping the rest of his group around, and she despises the thought of becoming attached to any of these people only to be forced to watch them all leave. But the other part of her likes the feeling, enjoys it thoroughly, because having a crush on somebody is a reminder that Beth Greene is still alive, that’s she is a living breathing human being and not one of those _things._

Sure, she might also feel a bit guilty. Jimmy is here too, her boyfriend of a few months, and isn’t she only supposed to be crushing on him? Beth does know for certain that she’s never looked at him before and felt these butterflies.

Almost immediately Beth decides she shouldn’t feel bad either way. There’s no harm in a simple crush and she should just enjoy it while he’s still around.

So when her eyes flutter shut for the night, blanket tickling her cheeks as she pulls the fabric up to her face, Beth dozes off and lets her mind wander to thoughts of Rick.

* * *

 

She doesn’t know what to say.

Hershel has been wanting to speak with a few members of Rick’s group, to lay down the rules and his expectations while they’re on his farm, and had called Beth down to sit in with Carl in his place while he’d be gone.

She’s been in the room by his side for a few minutes now when the doorknob turns and Rick walks in.

He looks tired, worn out and beat up—not doubt from all of his transfusions—and Beth finds herself frozen to her seat.

He’s attractive and she likes him, but realistically they’ve never really been alone before. She doesn’t know a single thing about him and for all she knows he could be mad at her for being in here alone with his son.

Beth makes to move, to stand and give up her seat, but Rick tiredly sits down in the one beside her before she has the chance.

She watches him curiously as he blows out a long stream of air, head in his hands as he looks over Carl’s sleeping form. “It’s been a long week,” he says.

Beth blinks rapidly, eying him over nervously. She has no idea if he’s speaking to her or just speaking aloud. Eventually she gives in, preferring to talk and make a fool of herself rather than sitting here any longer in awkward silence.

“I’m sorry about Carl.”

Rick turns to look at her, hand rubbing his cheek tiredly, and nods. “Thank you. Without Hershel he wouldn’t be here.”

“Sometimes my daddy thought about being a doctor,” she admits, “but he just loved workin’ with animals too much. I’m glad he could help you.”

She feels like that may be the end of their discussion, settling back into her chair without expecting any further words. But to her surprise Rick pats her on the shoulder. “It’s gonna be a great story for Carl to tell his kids someday.”

Beth finds herself laughing sincerely, brushing her hair back as her eyes find his once again. His own grin is slight but she can just pick it up, thankful that he seems to be in good enough spirits. Unfortunately his eyes give away his sadness.

Her laugh cuts off, a heavy swallow replacing it as she realizes what he must be thinking to himself.

_If Carl ever has children—if he lives long enough in this world to get there._

* * *

 

Beth pauses and takes another long moment to focus on her target. She breathes out deeply before finally pulling the trigger.

Her shot misses by nearly a foot.

The blonde sighs in annoyance, sick of the way her fingertips continue to shake as she holds the gun within her hands. Shane had mentioned the type of gun when he had handed it over to her earlier in the day but she can’t quite remember and honestly, by this point, doesn’t even care. Beth just knows that she doesn’t like any of them. Nor does she like the weight of this one in her hands or the implication that this training means she may actually have to use it out of necessity someday.

It’s not supposed to be this way. Her life, any of their lives; this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. She should be planning to go out to football games with her friends, not be practicing shooting at jars so she can someday shoot at people; _walkers_ , Rick’s group calls them.

Beth is bitter about this world, still spurned on by what happened with Rick in Carl’s room the other day, and she’s not too proud to admit so out loud, continuing to grumble under her breath.

“You need to loosen your grip a bit.”

Rick’s voice nearly startles her into dropping her weapon and she jumps slightly, shaken from out of her own head as she turns to meet his gaze. He’s smiling slightly, almost amused by her flustered appearance, and Beth finds herself blushing as he looks at her.

She has to admit it feels good seeing him look so much better, lighter, than he had two or three days beforehand.

“Sorry,” she shakes her head with a frown. “I’m no good.”

Suddenly she feels more embarrassed about missing in front of him than simply missing at all.

“You shoulda seen this guy the first time he ever stepped up at the shootin’ range,” Shane responds, evidently nearby enough to hear her self-deprecation. Beth looks past Rick and towards his friend, standing next to Andrea while watching her shoot at her own target like a pro. “He couldn’t hit a damn thing.”

Rick responds by rubbing his neck lightly, head lowering as he sweeps his eyes over the ground. “Wasn’t that bad,” he promises after, eventually meeting her gaze again.

Beth laughs softly and nods, happy to feel her own mood improving a bit now that Rick is speaking with her. “You’re not too far off, you just gotta loosen up a bit and let your gun do the work.”

Stepping closer, he nods her way as if asking for her approval. She isn’t quite sure what he’s asking to do but Beth nods and agrees anyway. It’s only when he steps even closer to her, arms wrapping around her body that she begins to call her approval into question.

She does her best not to tremble, now more nervous to shoot than she had been beforehand, but listens to his voice in her ear telling her to line herself up with the target.

Beth does as told, hands extending, and Rick covers hers with his own to help guide her. Kicking at her foot, he pushes her stance out wider. “Make sure this notch up here,” he pulls a hand away to point towards the top of the gun, “lines up with the jar. Now take a deep breath, loosen up a bit, and shoot.”

Nodding, she does her best to ignore his front as he presses himself to her back, right hand on her own, and takes a second to make sure her gun is aligned. Once she’s satisfied, hands loosening but still tight enough to grip the firearm, she pulls the trigger.

The glass breaks and Beth is left standing there in near disbelief. But it only lasts a second or so before she’s turning, her grin wide, and pulling Rick into a hug.

He groans slightly as she grabs him, obviously surprised, but chuckles and hugs back. It’s only when his hands wrap around her waist that she realizes she has practically thrown herself at him and pulls away, face coloring.

“Your first kill,” he smiles.

She nods, still elated despite her embarrassment. “I never thought I was gonna hit that damn target,” she admits with the shake of her head. “Thank you so much Mr. Grimes!”

“Call me Rick,” he corrects before patting her on the shoulder and squeezing. “And great job.”

Beth’s blush is suddenly back tenfold as she admires him and has to turn away in hopes he doesn’t spot her cheeks burning.

* * *

 

Sometimes Beth finds herself wondering about them and about their lives before the turn. Who were they back then? What did they do for a living? Where did they live?

She likes to make up stories, imagining all of the possibilities as she does the dishes. She’s always been observant, eager to watch people and learn about them, and she has to admit that it’s a decent way to pass the time these days.

One of Beth’s favorite things to pretend about are Andrea and her sister. The blonde never mentioned it herself, but Beth has overheard Dale before talking about her sister named Amy who died. She’s never seen her, couldn’t possibly know what she looks like, but she figures she must have been beautiful just like Andrea is. Sometimes she’ll think about the twosome, Beth’s own version of Amy in her mind, as they ride horses for fun or go on shopping trips together or even to the movies.

It’s not much, but it’s what she and Maggie used to do before her own sister had left for college, and Beth thinks it’s enough. It’s a happy thought and makes her smile to think about. Even if the world they’re stuck in right now is her horrible reality.

She’s not sure about Daryl, just knows that he can be grumpy and has a bit of a temper, but also knows how hard he’s been searching for that lost little girl they’ve all been looking for. Beth thinks maybe he’d make a good dad someday, even if he can’t see it, and imagines him watching children at a playground on a random cool, autumn afternoon. He pretends not to care, acts like they’re just gross little kids, but deep down he smiles because he thinks they’re really just the sweetest things he’s ever seen. She doubts it’s the truth, but her heart feels lighter whenever she imagines it.

And then there’s Rick. Beth’s never met a man before quite like him. He’s tough when need be, soft and caring at times, while always maintaining the personality traits of a true leader. And it helps that he’s very good looking. She will picture him sometimes, at home in an imaginary house Beth has created for him, playing tag in the front yard with a healthy Carl while Lori watches with a smile on her face.

And when she’s feeling especially inclined, Beth will picture herself in Lori’s place.

She grins, gratified by these thoughts as her eyes flutter shut and she allows all of these ideas to filtrate her mind. It feels good to be feeling nice things like this, to be giving life to the people living on her property. It makes her feel a bit like she knows them, a bit more like they’re family. Even if everything she thinks about is fake, it still brings a smile to her face because each faux memory has been brought on by some form of truth.

Even if Andrea and Amy never once did the things she’s done with Maggie, they still loved one another and that’s proven through the words she’s heard Dale speaking.

Even if Daryl has turned his nose up at every kid he’s ever met, he’s still searching for Sophia as though she’s his own.

Even if Rick has never played tag with Carl before, he ran a mile through the woods while clutching his child tight to his chest just to save that little boy’s life.

Beth likes knowing that there are people like that still out there in this world.

* * *

 

Rick acts differently the next morning.

Beth notices it almost immediately, wondering what could’ve possibly happened in between then and now to sour his mood, but decides it’s not her place to ask about it.

When she misses her first shot of the day, just nearly, he reminds her to loosen up but doesn’t offer any further explanation or instructions. He walks away after in order to focus on Jimmy’s technique.

She does her best not to be put out by this, biting back a frown, and figures it’d be better to throw herself into her work than to worry about what Rick Grimes is doing.

It’s just a little crush, no need to dedicate every second of her day to wondering about his mood.

Beth shoots again, remembering everything he had helped her with yesterday, and hits this time around. Shane is the one who grins in response, clapping her on the back in congratulations, and she feels proud but also feels like she’d rather it be Rick patting her and telling her good job.

When she chances another glance his way she’s almost shocked to see him looking just beyond her, eyes trained on Shane. And he doesn’t look too pleased as he watches.

Suddenly Beth remembers how Rick had acted around Lori this morning when they’d been talking nearby a tent before training. Beth had been watching them but hadn’t really picked up on anything significant then.

But now, with his anger being directed towards Shane and Lori both, she can’t help in wondering if there might be something going on with all three of them.

Something no good.

* * *

 

Rick is still in the process of deciding how he feels about the farm.

He knows it’s the safest they’ve been in weeks. He’s able to realize that they haven’t felt this secure in some time, but it doesn’t stop him from worrying. Hershel is still on his case, constantly reminding him that it’s best they move on once Carl is completely healed. Rick is afraid of disappointing his group yet again, these people that he’s come to care for. Even if they don’t act like they care in return at times, he knows deep down that they’re meant to stick together throughout this ordeal. They have to.

How can he look them in the eyes and tell them that they’re going to have to leave?

It’s nice here, safe, but the people are also nice and he’s starting to form attachments despite knowing it’s not in his best interest.

Maggie seems to have a good head on her shoulders, already showing interest in going on runs and helping search for Sophia. Rick doesn’t think Hershel likes the idea too much, but she’s old enough to decide for herself and there isn’t much he can do about it.

He doesn’t really know much about Patricia, but she seems to be getting on with Lori well enough to suit him just fine. And she’d been there to help save his child, too. Her husband had given his life for Carl’s own.

Jimmy is decent enough with gun training, eager to help out the group himself if needed.

And then there’s Beth.

He still can’t quite figure her out. Granted, they’ve only been here for about a week and a half. But there’s just something about her that he finds himself drawn to. He’s already seen her sad, happy, and angry and in such a short span of time. Rick knows that she wears her heart on her sleeve, that she’s open and honest in her feelings and not afraid to speak her mind, yet she’s soft spoken and shy all at once. There’s this undeniable urge within himself to want to protect her, to shelter her and keep her safe from the harsh realities of this world.

Realizing all of this Rick sighs, discouraged. They need to stay here; he needs to stay here.

He can’t quite explain it but just knows that this is where they all belong. 

* * *

 

“Before the turn you were a cop?”

She already knows the answer, it’s obvious by his attire and the hat Carl has taken a shining to wearing around everywhere, but decides to ask anyway in attempts to make conversation.

Rick nods, smiling kindly as he continues to eat his sandwich.

It had been hot out today, far hotter than it has been for the past few weeks, and Beth had decided Rick could use a bit of a break from making plans to send out search parties and worrying for his son.

She had decided to make him food, both parts excited and nervous at the prospect of giving it to him. But the grin he’d shot her way once she’d offered it over had been enough confirmation that she did right by choosing to make it.

Now they’re both sitting on the swing on the porch, Beth with her legs wrapped up beneath her and Rick with his own feet planted on the ground, swinging them gently as they eat.

“Yeah,” he responds once he’s swallowed his bite. “Used to be.”

“I can tell,” she confides with a gentle smile of her own. “You’re always wantin’ to help people and do right by them.”

He pauses, scratching at the slight scruff along his face, before sighing. “I’m not so sure about that, Beth.”

But she shakes her head quickly before tentatively placing a soft hand on his shoulder in comfort. “No, it’s true,” she promises, “I can see it. Even if they can’t, if they get mad at you sometimes. You’re just wantin’ to protect everybody and you’re doin’ your best out there.”

He watches her for a long moment after, eyes looking deep into her own, and Beth wonders if she may have overstepped her boundaries.

What seems like ten years later, and with Beth pulling her hand back out of worry, Rick eventually smiles. It’s one that spreads along his face and all the way up to those eyes she just can’t seem to get enough of. And then he nods. “I suppose so,” he supplies.

Just as quickly as he’d been looking at her he’s looking back at his food, continuing to eat.

Beth isn’t sure of what just happened, is a bit apprehensive about it but also excited, but does know for a fact that those eyes will surely be in the forefront of her dreams come tonight.

* * *

 

“Glenn is cute, right?”

Beth is surprised for a moment, lost in thoughts of her own as she does the dishes with Maggie after dinner. It makes her laugh to think about; walkers everywhere but there are still chores to be done.

“Huh?” She raises a curious brow before shrugging a little. “Oh, I guess.”

“What do you mean, ‘I guess’?” Maggie wonders, raising her voice slightly as she slaps Beth on the arm playfully.

The younger girl laughs, shrugging again, before sweeping a loose strand of blonde hair back behind her ear. “I meant yeah, he is Maggs. Maybe not my type, but he’s cute.”

This pulls a smile from the girl, nodding before silently continuing to wash dishes.

Beth frowns incredulously afterwards, watching Maggie’s form with a gaze filled full of disbelief, before she hits her back in retaliation. “You can’t just ask me that and not tell me why!”

Maggie pauses, sighing deeply, before she turns to look her sister’s way with a big smile on her face. “We’ve been hooking up,” she admits finally.

Beth scrunches her nose slightly, not sure if she should be happy or grossed out by this admission. Although a small part of her, deep down inside, wants to ask her what it’s like. Her mind flashes to Rick after, picturing him kissing her and touching her like a boyfriend would. She almost feels bad for not thinking of Jimmy, shaking the whole idea off once she realizes he’s never even entered her fantasies once.

She refrains from asking, choosing to giggle faintly in response instead. “You and Glenn?” Beth confirms with a smile.

Maggie nods happily. “Don’t you dare tell daddy,” she warns her. “Not yet.”

Beth nods back easy enough, continuing to dry off their dishes. “I swear I won’t,” she promises. And then after, “Just be careful.”

Her sister nods, wiggling her brows in response. “Oh we are, trust me.”

Beth snorts, throwing the towel at her sister’s head before she takes off, Maggie hot on her trail. 

* * *

 

Beth and Rick spend the next week sharing lunch whenever they can.

She was more than surprised to see him sitting there, where they’d been the day before, the next day she’d come out for a bit of fresh air. He’d already had food ready as well, two plates, and Beth had blushed as she’d taken the offered seat and food.

She still can’t believe her luck, even if it’s now the seventh day in a row they’ve done this. The thought of a man like Rick finding her interesting, in being curious about her life and her dreams and the things she loves and cares for almost blows her away.

When he asks her about herself, about her singing and her journal and other little things like that, she can tell he genuinely cares and that’s the best part. At first she had figured he was starving for attention, possibly lonely, but he still seems to be speaking with everyone from his group enough for her to cross that particular reasoning off the list.

Regardless, she’s pleased by the attention. And it’s helping her to stop blushing every three seconds in his presence as well, which is a bonus. He really is a great man and Beth is happy to know him.

“I wish you all could stay here forever.”

She doesn’t know what makes her say it or why—they’d been speaking about her life on the farm just seconds beforehand—but she realizes once it comes out that it’s a genuine wish. She knows Hershel is still skeptical about keeping them here, but she wishes for it beyond anything else. For Maggie and Glenn and, selfishly, for herself too. The thought of Rick being gone someday, kicked out by her father, is nearly unbearable to think about. Not when he’s actually listening to her and genuinely caring to hear her opinions.

And maybe that’s what this is.

Beth realizes that, maybe just maybe, she’s the lonely one in this equation.

Her heart sinks to think about this, not enjoying the feeling of admitting something like that to herself, but Rick must be able to sense something is wrong because he soon places his hand on top of her own, squeezing tight.

“I’m doin’ everything in my power to convince Hershel to let us stay,” he promises. “I want that, too. You’ve got a good thing goin’ here, good people too,” he adds after, smiling her way.

Beth grins despite herself, nodding a bit in recognition of his comforting words. But they do their job, warming her stomach slightly.

“Daddy’ll come around,” she swears, eyes wide, “I promise it.”

* * *

 

Beth watches Lori from the corner of her eye every opportunity she gets.

She’s currently pinning laundry to their makeshift laundry wire, hanging up everybody’s wears to dry for the day. Beth can just make out her form as she sits along the steps of the porch

On one hand Beth finds that she really admires Lori. She’s generous and seems sweet enough. She’s also beautiful, something Beth takes notice of with a small sense of envy.

It’s easy to see why Rick had fallen in love with her.

But on the other hand, Beth finds herself growing more and more irritated by the woman’s presence as the day’s progress. She doesn’t mean to feel this way, doesn’t enjoy being this type of person, but she can’t help in feeling jealous every time she sees Lori with Rick.

Chances are already slim you’ll find your true love in this life, and especially so now that walkers have taken over their world.

As Beth sits there, she wonders if she’s ever meant to meet somebody who’ll be there for her in the same way Rick seems to be for Lori.

* * *

 

“That little girl that’s missing. Her name’s Sophia?”

Rick nods, eyes downcast and facing several maps spread out before him. Both elbows are on the hood of one of the farm trucks, hands holding his head up as he stares down at the map in front of him.

“She’s Carol’s little girl?” Beth wonders after, biting her lip as she watches him fast at work, circling different sections on the map and indicating all of the places they’ve yet to search.

“Yeah,” he offers simply, still busy writing.

She nods, crossing her hands in front of her chest as she sighs.

Beth stands nearby and watches him at work for a few more minutes, allowing the silence to settle in around them. It’s a bit chilly this evening, the wind prickling her flesh, and she’s just thinking of walking back up to the house when Rick turns to her with a frown.

“It’s my fault,” he admits, “I told her to go find the others, get to safety as I lured away a few walkers that were after her in the woods. But she got lost.”

Beth grimaces sympathetically, turning away from the intensity of his gaze. She can practically see the regret it’s so evident in his eyes. She doesn’t like the way it looks; it doesn’t suit his face.

“I’m sure you were doin’ what you thought was best.”

Rick licks at his lips thoughtfully, placing his hands on his hips before he eventually shrugs. “They were gonna get her otherwise.”

Afterwards he turns back to his map, sharpie in hand as he continues to map out routes as though he never mentioned anything at all.

Beth wonders who he’s trying to convince.

Her? Or himself?

* * *

 

Hershel regards Rick with careful eyes.

He’s not quite sure yet what to make of him, of the group he’s brought with him, but can realize he does have positive attributes.

But that doesn’t mean he belongs here on the farm—on his farm—with his family. Hershel doesn’t like admitting as much, but he’s worried now that they’re here. Things have been peaceful for a while now, calm almost, and he can’t help in feeling as though these people may have begun to brew a storm that nobody is going to be prepared for in the end.

And the fact that his children have seemed to taken a liking to them isn’t helping matters.

Hershel watches Beth speaking with Rick or with Lori or Andrea and feels a sadness creeping into his chest. And the way Glenn has been looking at Maggie, and her in return, is a little bit unsettling.

He wants their happiness, he wants them to make connections and continue to live a life as normal as possible, but Hershel is afraid to let anyone in; he’s terrified, in fact.

What if he lets them stay and someone he loves ends up getting hurt? God forbid Beth or Maggie are taken from him in the same way his wife and son had been.

Hershel sighs deeply, staring towards the front yard through the kitchen window. The yard is full of tents and vehicles and people with guns. It’s not picture perfect, but he can admit that he does feel a bit safer with a group around.

Maybe this could be the right move.

Hershel doesn’t know for certain if it’s right, but figures the least he can do is give them a chance.

* * *

 

It’s late and Beth is tired, with sleepy eyes and a yawn playing at her lips, but she just can’t seem to drift off.

She’s been tossing and turning in her bed for what feels like hours now and can’t seem to get comfortable. It’s hot in her room, stuffy and nearing uncomfortable, but Beth hasn’t been able to bring herself to crack open her window since the turn. Not with the threat of walkers out there.

So instead she settles for the heat. Or, at least she normally does.

Tonight it’s not working, she’s unable to lull herself to sleep and Beth finds her brain beginning to overwork due to the excess of thoughts and visions running through it nonstop. She needs a break.

With a deep sigh she kicks the remainder of her covers off of the bed. They fall to the floor with barely any sound at all, eventually settling against the hardwood below. Beth follows soon after, her bare feet hitting the wood as lightly as possible.

The last thing she needs is to wake her family, to wake Patricia or Jimmy. She knows if anybody spots her before she makes it outside that she won’t be allowed to continue. There is no way they would let her go out on her own, not with the constant threat of walkers. But Beth needs the fresh air, she needs the breeze, so she does her best to stay silent as she grabs a pair of socks from her dresser drawer.

Slipping the clothes on, her boots soon follow. She’d probably be laughing at her outfit choices right about now, cowboy boots and pajama pants on with a spaghetti strap top, if not for her dedication to staying silent.

Making her way from her room, the blonde walks slowly down the hallway with baited breath. She knows she has to walk past both Maggie and her dad’s rooms, doing so carefully.

The floor creeks just as she passes by her sisters and Beth stops in her tracks, waiting with baited breath in hopes Maggie never heard. Once she’s satisfied the older girl is still sleeping, she continues walking through the hallway.

Eventually Beth makes it to the stairs, walking down them quickly. She holds the banister, fingertips trailing the wood as she descends the steps. Once she’s at the bottom she releases a satisfied sigh, walking through the living room and by the guest room Carl had once been occupying before she finally reaches the door.

It opens with a tiny squeak and Beth frowns, turning her head to look around and make sure nobody comes. Squeezing through the small gap, not wanting to open the door further and risk someone hearing, she slips outside.

The cool air feels like heaven on her sweat ridden flesh, sending miniature goose bumps to prickle along the pale flesh of her arms. She smiles to herself, pleased to be free from the constraints of her room and of her inability to fall to sleep, and takes a moment to admire her dark surroundings.

Beth almost feels stupid for forgetting any light, but she’s lucky because the moon is bright enough tonight that she can see easily enough. She still finds herself looking around every so often in fear of any potential threats, but mostly she’s pleased to be out here and able to feel the wind on her skin.

She takes note of the tents and camper off in the distance, indicative of the group that has been camping in their front yard for a few weeks now.

It’s hard to explain, but Beth finds herself feeling safer just knowing that they’re all there. It’s weird to think about really, considering they are all virtual strangers. But there’s something about Rick that just seems to make her feel completely safe now. She almost feels dependent on him by this point as though he’s her leader too, and she finds herself praying yet again that Hershel will eventually give in and allow them to stay on a permanent basis.

For a brief second she is jealous of them, of their tents and their fresh air and being able to sleep underneath the stars and experience the type of freedom she wishes she could have at times. But then a harder breeze pushes through, causing Beth to shiver and be pulled from her daydream, and it’s as if she’s suddenly just now remembering that there are thousands, probably millions, of walkers roaming around on this planet right this very moment. Suddenly her hot little room, no opened windows, sounds a whole lot safer.

Beth ‘hmms’ thoughtfully, a sadness tickling the back of her throat, and she glances towards Rick’s tent momentarily before turning and making her way back inside.

* * *

 

Rick tells himself that he’s mentoring her.

Honestly she can use all the facts he’s given her, tips on walkers and guns and fighting and survival, but as much as he tries to tell himself that it’s just that, he knows there is really more to it.

The problem is, he really doesn’t know what that _more_ is.

He knows he likes her, Rick appreciates her sweetness and willingness to learn. And she’s always around him, practically clinging to his side which he finds he actually enjoys a great deal.

It’s a far cry from his own group these days. He’s been fighting with Lori, with Shane, with Carol. Things have been on edge for a while now and he’d be lying if he didn’t admit it feels good to be wanted by somebody else; respected even.

Beth is the only constant in his life these days, the only person he can seem to count on to talk with and be praised by. Sure, she’s a great ego booster, but Rick realizes he’d be just as happy sitting in silence with her and never uttering a single word. It’s not about her appraisal or admiration, it’s about her presence. When she’s nearby he feels calmer, more at peace and definitely more capable.

She makes him feel good.

He doesn’t figure there could possibly be any harm in that.

* * *

 

“Daddy’s been asking me and Maggie about all of you lately.”

Beth is sitting Indian style in the dirt, twirling long pieces of grass in between her fingertips. She’s surrounded by chairs, all various shapes and kinds, and a few of the other members of Rick’s group are sitting there, too.

Rick raises a single brow curiously, looking up from the map he’d been focusing on in order to meet her gaze. “Yeah?”

She nods.

“What about?”

“Just things,” Beth shrugs casually enough. “I think he’s startin’ to warm up to the idea of you guys bein’ around.”

He nods easily enough, swiping his eyes around the group to see if anybody else is really paying too much attention. Carol seems interested enough but Glenn and T-Dog are too preoccupied speaking with each other to really take note. “Askin’ about me at all?”

Beth nods, sweeping her hair behind her ear. “A little,” she confirms, squinting a bit due to the sun. She doesn’t miss the slight crease of his brow though, and can tell that he is interested in knowing more. “I told daddy I liked you, that you’re a good man, and that I want you all to stay here permanently.”

He seems genuinely surprised by this, Carol pleased herself, and tries but fails at biting back his grin. “You did?”

She nods, smiling softly. “Mhmm,” she tells him.

Rick knows why Carol’s excited, hoping they’ll be able to stay on a permanent basis, and he figures both of them believe it’s why he’s grinning as well.

Certainly he’s happy about it, but more than that he finds he’s been warmed simply by Beth’s kind words.

* * *

 

Lori comes and sits by Beth later on in the day.

She finds herself suddenly self-conscious, wrapping her arms around herself as the brunette joins her on the porch swing. Beth can’t help in remembering that it’s the same spot Rick usually sits in when they eat lunch.

She’s almost afraid Lori knows somehow, has come to mark her territory, but to Beth’s surprise she simply smiles at her instead. “Nice night out,” she tells her.

Beth nods along easily enough, taking a moment to brush her eyes across the canvas of the sky. It will be getting dark soon, she realizes. Sundown is one of the most beautiful times of day.

“It is,” she agrees.

The silence that settles in after isn’t heavy like she would have assumed it to be. It’s actually rather comforting. There’s something calming about Lori’s presence, reassuring perhaps, and Beth finds herself releasing the breath she had been holding in.

At least until, “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Rick lately.”

Beth doesn’t know what to do or say, rooted to her seat by some unknown force as her heartbeat increases minute by minute. She can’t help in wondering if Lori will tell him about her childish crush; if he already knows, even. Her cheeks burn with anger and embarrassment at the thought of Rick already knowing, he and his wife laughing about it together late at night before falling into bed.

It doesn’t help any when Lori wraps her arm around Beth’s shoulders, rubbing her bare arm soothingly. This only makes the blonde incredibly confused.

The older woman seems to mistake her embarrassment for being shy, laughing quietly. “It’s alright,” she promises, “I think it’s nice.

“You do?” Beth turns quickly, brows furrowing. She’s not sure what Lori is trying to get at here.

The brunette nods. “I do. We’ve been having some,” she pauses, gathering her words, “ _problems_ lately, some struggles, and it’s good he’s got someone there for him to talk to when he feels like he can’t talk to anybody else. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay yourself.”

Beth becomes even more unsure of herself afterwards, not positive of just what Lori means by asking her if she’s alright. “I’m fine,” she eventually promises, nodding the woman’s way. “I swear.”

Lori smiles, nodding in return and seems to be satisfied by Beth’s positive response. “You’re just young, I don’t want you getting caught up in things like this if you don’t have to.”

And that’s when it dawns on Beth, when she realizes just what Lori is trying to get at. She’s not mocking Beth for having a childish crush, but concerned for her wellbeing and wanting her to stay safe and not shoulder any pressures she can’t handle.

Beth feels really bad about it, deciding that her feelings for Rick would be so much simpler if Lori wasn’t so nice to her.

* * *

 

Rick laughs as he watches her, a true genuine laugh and Beth decides it suits him very well and sounds like music to her ears.

He had let her try out his shotgun at her insistence, helping her to align the weapon and make certain she’d been properly positioned behind the jar she had been aiming for.

But when the gun had gone off, her bullet surprisingly hitting her mark, they’d both been too distracted by the kickback. She had been forced backwards, tripping over a rock and falling with wide eyes and flailing limbs, and had ended up landing on the muddy ground below.

“It’s not funny,” she chides after, no true malice to her tone. In fact, she’s smiling herself as she watches him. She’s thankful by this point that they’re both a good distance off into the woods. Having anybody else watching her fall on her butt like that would have been mortifying.

Beth doesn’t know how he had done it, but Rick had somehow convinced Hershel to let her come out with him for the day. They are both a bit further away from her house, deep in the woods to get a more in depth training experience. The blonde secretly hopes this may mean her father is seriously considering letting them stay.

Rick has been praising her as his best student for a while now, something she has been taking immense pride in, and she has been pretty satisfied with her gun training as of late. It makes her feel good knowing that she can do something right in this world, that if the time comes she will be able to help protect her family.

While still embarrassed to have had this spill happen in front of Rick, she finds she’s more pleased to have made him smile than humiliated for having fallen in his presence.

Reaching out a hand, he grabs her wrist and helps her up.

She hasn’t realized until just now how cold the mud actually is, shaking slightly as she attempts to wipe the wet dirt from off of her butt.

“I probably should have warned you a bit more about that kickback,” he offers, hands now crossed in front of his chest as he watches her attempting to clean herself off. “You might as well leave that on until we get back.”

Beth rolls her eyes in jest, shaking her head. “Probably,” she mocks good-naturedly. Hands covered in mud, she reaches forward and, without thinking, rubs the gooey substance all across the front of his shirt. “You might as well leave that on, too.”

For a brief moment she’s worried she may have upset him, but his wide eyes narrow soon after and a soft grin breaks out along his face. Beth shouts while he gets her back, picking up a handful of mud for himself before he wipes it over the front of her own shirt. She gasps, shivering against the cold as it seeps through her top.

Rick watches her response from behind his eyelashes, his breath catching in his throat as he takes in her appearance, recalling her small gasp at the chill. Just as suddenly as he had been smiling he stops, straightening himself up and throwing his gun over his shoulder.

She watches him transforming from playful back into leader in the blink of an eye before her very eyes and can’t for the life of her figure out what she has done wrong.

“We better get back,” he coughs through his discomfort. “Hershel is probably wonderin’ where you’ve been. Keep your eye out for walkers.”

Beth follows after him, hoping he doesn’t turn around and notice the disappointment on her face.

* * *

 

Kissing Jimmy these days just feels…weird.

He’s a whole lot of lips and tongue and spit and it overwhelms Beth, nearly makes her choke out for breath as she stops him for the third time in a row from attempting to creep his hand up along the inside of her shirt.

“Come on,” he mumbles, lips still pressed to her own. “Just this once.”

She pulls back far enough to take a deep breath. Eyes closing, Rick’s image flickers beneath her eyelids. He stands beside her in the forest, smiling and wiping mud all over her shirt. But this memory only lasts for a split second.

The one replacing it is his sudden uncomfortableness with the situation, his rejection without words.

The blonde sighs, frowning in displeasure before she looks back at her boyfriend.

Beth figures she’s just acting naïve in hoping for anything with a married man, with a man far too old for her and with a life all his own.

Her small nod is enough permission Jimmy needs, slipping his hand up her shirt quicker than she has time to change her mind.

* * *

 

Beth decides to bring Carol a few more pins when she looks through the kitchen window and spots the older woman hanging laundry.

She figures it’s the least she can do for her, her stomach turning a bit uneasily as she begins to think about Sophia, still missing, and how it must be making Carol feel right now.

Beth doesn’t have any children of her own, far too young for something like that, but there has always been this maternal drive inside of her telling her that she wants kids, wants somebody there to care for and love and watch grow. And having something like that taken from you, from right beneath your grasp and in one of the worst, most helpless ways possible…well, Beth shudders just thinking about it.

Grabbing their box of clothespins from out of the closet, she steps past the threshold of the door, walks along the porch and down the steps, and makes her way over to Carol.

“Thought that these might help,” Beth greets her, lifting the box to show the woman.

Carol smiles gently in response, nodding before waving the blonde over. Beth steps forward easily enough, handing over the small item. “I didn’t know if you were needin’ any or not, but thought I’d offer.”

“That was sweet of you,” she nods in reply, patting Beth briefly on the shoulder before returning to hanging laundry.

“I could help,” the younger of the two offers after, hands in her pockets. She doesn’t know why she feels the need to do so, but Beth feels like maybe Carol shouldn’t be alone right now. She doesn’t have to be, at least. “I mean, if you want.”

To her relief Carol nods. “Sure, that’d be great,” she promises.

Carol hands over a few wet items and Beth takes them gratefully, helping her to hang clothing.

They work in silence for a while, but it’s not at all awkward. It’s one of the few times Beth has spoken to Carol, and Carol in return to her. But it kind of feels as though they’ve been doing laundry together for years. It’s something simple. Beth realizes that she enjoys the routine of doing something she’s so used to. It makes her forget for a second about the world they’re in, about what they’re fighting against. Being here with Carol kind of reminds her of being here with her mom and she’s left recalling all of the times when she used to hang clothes out here with her.

Beth pretends at first that she doesn’t hear Carol when she begins to cry. She filters it out; it’s soft enough anyway, and she figures the woman hopes she won’t hear anything. But soon enough the sound becomes unbearable. Beth wonders if Carol might be thinking something similar about her; if Beth is reminding her of Sophia right now.

It’s when the blonde presses a tentative hand to the woman’s back, rubbing soothing circles over the cloth of her shirt that Carol really breaks down.

Beth stays beside her the entire time, fighting back her own tears as she comforts this poor woman.

When she glances over towards the tents she spots Rick, busy reloading a few of his weapons. The sound must reach his ears soon enough because he’s looking up from his work and catching her eye. He looks worried at first, watching Beth comforting Carol as she cries, but then a soft, sad smile replaces the worry and he nods just barely in her direction.

It’s not much, but it gives Beth the strength she needs to not break down herself.

* * *

 

“Lori is pregnant.”

Both Rick and Beth are sitting in the grass in the front of the Greene family farmhouse. The grass below tickles at her exposed leg as she sits there, but its own prickle has nothing on the sudden itch within her heart after she hears him uttering those words.

She takes a moment to blink rapidly, blinking back tears and willing away her stupid little crush that means absolutely nothing. “Oh.” It’s all she can manage to push out.

He doesn’t seem to mind her lack of response however, pressing forward as his own hands pull at the grass below. “Came as a shock to me, too,” he offers.

Beth coughs, wiping a tear from her cheek before he can see it. “I don’t think havin’ a baby right now is the best idea.” Normally she probably wouldn’t be so brash about it but she’s hurting and decides not to bother holding back.

“I know,” he tells her, sparing her a quick glance. She bites at her lip as he watches her, eyebrows creased as though he’s looking for something certain within her eyes. Eventually he turns away, tossing his handful of grass to the side. “We’re gonna keep it, though.”

“I guess that’s good,” she shrugs, “if it’s what you’re wantin’ to do.”

And Beth can’t believe it, can’t believe how vain and selfish she’s being—how _jealous_ she’s feeling. Babies are meant to be miracles, blessings, and she should be happy for both Rick and Lori. Happy because it means Hershel will probably let them stay.

But being happy doesn’t mean wanting to run away, to head upstairs and cry into your pillow like the little girl you really are. That’s not happy, but that’s how she feels.

She bites back a sob as she thinks about how unfair all of this is. Turning away, she runs a hand through her hair absentmindedly and begins to play with the ends of her golden locks. It’s something she’s done for as long as she can recall, mostly whenever she’s feeling stressed out or very worried about something.

It’s stupid, and she realizes it now, but somewhere in between daydreaming about Rick Grimes and beginning to actually spend hours of her day talking to him and laughing and smiling with him, she thought maybe just maybe, somehow, they could be together someday.

But this baby makes her realize she’d just been fooling herself into thinking she stood a chance with a man like Rick.

She’d been a mess.

But it’s fine. Beth tells herself that it’s fine, biting her lip so hard she draws blood, because she still has Jimmy.

And she can still be happy, too.

* * *

 

“What’s got you in a mood?”

Maggie regards Beth curiously, concern evident as it flashes across her face. They’re both sitting at the dining room table, Glenn and Carl be their sides as they play cards.

She spares Carl a quick side glance before shrugging, brushing her sisters question aside. “Nothin’,” she shrugs casually, laying down a pair of nines during their game of Go Fish. “Why?”

The brunette shrugs, playing with the edges of her own cards and fidgeting slightly in her seat. “You’ve been a little…unresponsive since dinner. You seem a little off tonight.”

“Can’t I just not be in a mood to talk?” Beth snaps. And then softer, “Sorry, I just…I’m not feelin’ my best today.”

Maggie nods easily enough, shooting her yet another worry filled glance before turning back to look at her set of cards. “Sorry,” she shakes her head. “Hope you feel better.”

Beth nods just barely, scratching at an itchy spot along her ankle where the grass had been tickling her earlier today, before sighing deeply and setting all of her cards off to the side.

“I’m tired,” she offers, standing. Her chair scrapes slightly against the floor, making a sound that has her nose scrunching in annoyance. “Have fun with your game.”

The blonde gives her sister one last sparing glance, smiling at both Glenn and Carl even though it looks like more of a grimace, before taking off upstairs.

Maggie does her best to let it go, but can’t quite manage to get that sad look on her sisters face from out of her head.

* * *

 

Rick spends the whole night tossing and turning.

Eventually Lori gives up on curling up beside him, moving to the opposite side of the tent with an exasperated huff as she untangles herself from his limbs.

He blinks, looking up at the top of the tent after, as her slow snores prove her slumber. He takes the time to memorize the shapes and forms along the fabric above him. It’s hard to see in the dark but he squints, counting random patterns until he feels sleepy enough to maybe attempt trying to fall to sleep once more.

He’d cared for her like a brother or uncle might. Rick had been so certain of that, so positive that had been all there was to it.

But after the mud incident, after that little gasp of hers, something had changed. Watching her comfort Carol, her being the strength for that woman for just a few minutes, had forced him to feel something deeper.

And after he admitted Lori’s pregnancy, once he had told Beth the truth, he had been forced to watch her cry tears she never noticed he had spotted. He had felt something akin to guilt even though he had nothing to feel guilty for. Rick still isn’t even sure why he confessed it to her in the first place.

Something has changed and now every single time Rick closes both eyes there she is, little Beth Greene with her sandwiches and kind words and gentle eyes flashing like a big neon sign inside the forefront of his mind—warning him of danger to come, reminding him he should turn back now.

But it’s like he’s got a lead foot, his limb glued to the pedal and pressing further and further down without his permission. As much as he would like to turn around and detour back the way he had come he’s stuck driving straight on ahead into danger.

Big, big danger.

* * *

 

“You thinkin’ Beth is almost ready yet for goin’ out, leavin’ the farm?”

Daryl’s question catches Rick off guard, ears taking a moment to assess the words he’d just heard.

“What?” He can’t help the worry that covers his features, reigning it in before Daryl has the chance to see and comment on it.

The archer sighs, readjusting his crossbow on his back. “We could always use more help lookin’ for Sophia and Maggie’s already helpin’. I hate to ask but,” he trails off, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck. “Looks like she’s been doin’ pretty good in gun trainin’.”

“Hershel would never let her.” The words slip out before Rick has a chance to think them over, voice harsher than he means for it to be.

If Daryl notices, he doesn’t bother saying anything. He simply nods in response, gathering his gun from out of the place he’d been keeping it on his bike, holstering it by his belt instead. “Figured as much,” he shrugs. “Probably wouldn’t be much help anyway. I’ll be back before sundown.”

Rick watches Daryl’s retreating form as he makes his way through the wide fields, headed for the woods. He finds himself hoping that Daryl never bother’s asking Hershel about it, afraid of what he’d say.

Mostly, Rick just worries he might actually say yes.

* * *

 

Maggie and Beth are hidden away from the world for the night, having snuck out of Maggie’s bedroom window to their old spot on the roof.

It’s a good night for it, too. The stars are out, vast and wide and igniting the sky with their magnificent bursts of light.

This has always been one of Beth’s favorite parts about Maggie coming back home during the summer after college. They’d come out here nearly every night, even when it had been darker than dark, just to talk things over and be sisters again.

They’re both currently doing just that, lying along the rooftop with their hands behind their heads as they admire the sky.

“It’s beautiful,” Beth whispers in awe, “like a paintin’.”

Her sister nods and agrees, approving wordlessly. “I think I’m in love with Glenn,” she admits after.

The blonde turns to meet her gaze, eyes wide but happy. “Really?”

Maggie nods herself, her own grin huge on her face. “Yeah,” she admits. “I’ve been feelin’ like this for a little while now. I haven’t said anythin’ yet because it’s so new, but it’s there.”

Beth sighs, settling herself back down against the shingles of the roof. “I wonder what love feels like,” she admits with honesty. “I wonder if I’ll ever find out.”

Her sister bites her lip, glancing Beth’s way, before throwing her arm over her stomach and pulling her close for a hug. “You’ve got Jimmy, you could find out someday.”

Beth frowns, shaking her head. “I don’t know about that,” she admits.

Maggie frowns in return, looking her sister over with concern as she strokes her fingertips through her hair. “Why not?”

“I don’t wanna love him,” she confesses, eyes downcast. “I don’t think he’s the right one for me.”

_Because I already want to love somebody else._

* * *

 

Rick misses their lunch to speak with Lori.

Beth tries not to be hurt by it, to not let it affect her so much, but the truth is it does hurt her and pisses her off all at once.

Lori gets Rick for a lifetime, Beth only for one hour every few days. What does she need him for now? She can’t help but feel bitter as she watches them, eating her sandwich alone on the porch steps.

It’s only when their voices grow louder, harsher, that her downcast eyes look up and over their way again. They’re yelling about something, fighting, and she wishes she could hear what they’re saying but she can’t. She’s too afraid to get up and move closer.

Lori pushes Rick in the chest, obviously angry. He catches her wrists in response, holding her in place as they continue to fight.

And then she’s grabbing his hand and leading him into their tent.

Beth doesn’t know what she’d been expecting, truthfully. For Rick to leave Lori to be with her? She doesn’t know why they’ve left now, why they’ve gone back inside of the tent, but she doesn’t want to stick around to find out.

Suddenly she’s not very hungry anymore.

* * *

 

Beth catches Rick before he leaves, halfway down the Greene driveway in his car as she begins waving for him to stop.

He looks her way nervously, like he’s not sure of what to make of her state, but calls her over and opens the passenger side door for her to jump in anyway. She is out of breath, chest rising and falling in fast succession as she climbs inside and buckles up. He notices her red, puffy eyes as well, but doesn’t mention it. His heart crumbles at the thought of something being wrong with her.

“Daddy said I could come,” she tells him, pointing in the direction of the house. Sure enough, Hershel is standing on the porch waving his goodbyes.

“You sure?” Rick sound skeptical, hesitant even, and Beth would probably be offended if not for currently being so upset. Instead she just nods, leaning back and curling herself up into the seat.

“I’m fine,” she promises, “it’s just a quick run down to the store. I had to beg daddy to let me come, I’m not backin’ out now.”

Rick nods eventually, her verbal confirmation enough, and switches the car from park into drive, taking off down the road.

The drive is quiet for the most part, the store being only ten minutes away by car, and the time seems to tick by quickly enough despite how worried Beth is making him feel.

It’s only after Rick parks, throwing off his seatbelt and grabbing for his knife, that Beth throws herself into his lap and begins to cry louder than he’s ever heard her be before.

For a second he’s frozen in his seat, hands extended in front of himself like a walker, before he finally registers just how upset she is and pulls her flush against his chest.

“Beth,” his voice comes out hoarse, worried.

He’s almost terrified that she has been bitten at some point today, about ready to confess her death sentence to him. But then she’s pulling away and blinking up at him with wide, wet blue eyes and whispering, “I did somethin’ real dumb.”

“What?” He wonders, hand entangling within her hair in reflex. There he brushes his thumb across her forehead, hoping to sooth her worries away.

“Jimmy wanted to have sex,” she admits quickly, her voice trembling with clear embarrassment. Rick’s jaw tightens suddenly, but he continues allowing her to speak her peace.

“We didn’t, but I let him do…other things. I thought I wanted to do it but I was wrong, I was just upset. I shouldn’t have…” She trails off with a soft mumble, pressing her face into the crook of his neck as she continues to cry.

Her tears are wet on his skin as they fall but he doesn’t mind.

Rick doesn’t like the way his stomach flips as he thinks about her admittance. He doesn’t like it one bit because there’s more to it than just his hatred of Jimmy in this moment. It’s because he feels jealous, plain and simple, and it’s wrong and completely unacceptable and inappropriate on his part.

Beth is sixteen, she’s too young.

Far too young.

And Jimmy is a dead man walking, Rick decides, if he ever tries touching her again.

* * *

 

Beth spends the afternoon hidden away beneath the covers, mortified by her actions the day before.

She keeps playing it over and over in her mind; throwing herself at Rick, crying like a baby, and worst of all admitting to him that she’d done things with Jimmy.

And then they’d gotten back home and Rick had eyed him over as though he was looking straight into the eyes of the devil himself. For a brief moment Beth had actually feared for Jimmy’s life, but Rick had eventually let him be. He’d left a lasting impression though, that’s for certain, leaving Jimmy with a vicious look that made her boyfriend get the picture to stay away.

He isn’t the only one to blame if she’s being honest with herself. Maybe that’s what hurts more, knowing that a part of her had been willing. Not because she wanted Jimmy, but because she wanted Rick and couldn’t have him.

Shuffling herself further beneath the covers, she stays there until Hershel comes in. With a hand pressed to her forehead to check her temperature, he quietly reminds her that it’s time for dinner.

Making her way downstairs sullenly, Beth finds herself wondering when her life had become more about Rick and less about walkers threatening her at every turn.

She decides that she may benefit from prioritizing a little better.

* * *

 

“Beth sure is a sweet girl.”

Dale’s words puzzle Rick at first, seeming to come out of nowhere, and his eyes scrunch in confusion as they land on the older mans. “Yeah,” he agrees afterwards with a light shrug, hoping to look more casual than he feels, “she is.”

They’re both standing nearby Dale’s camper, maps out on the front hood yet again as they decide where they should be looking for Sophia next. Daryl, Andrea, and Shane are already out for the day, scavenging through a section of woods further out then they had yet to look through.

Dale has been helping to plot out areas to search through but hasn’t gone out himself, figuring it best to stay behind and keep up on things around here.

“She’s real young, too.” Something in the tone of his voice, in the way he says it, has Rick frowning deeply. Meeting his eyes, Rick shrugs it off.

“Are you tryin’ to get at something, or?” He crosses both arms in front of his chest, awaiting a response.

Fingertips pinching his brow, Dale shrugs. “I’m just reminding you of a few things, Rick,” he tells him simply.

“Yeah?” He shakes his head, running a hand through his unkempt hair. Head tilting to the right ever so slightly he challenges, “And why is that?”

“Thought you may have forgotten, is all.” Dale doesn’t attempt to call him out, to shame him for whatever it is he thinks Rick has done. Something about that, about his lack of clarity, angers Rick further.

“Come out and say somethin’ if you’ve got it to say.”

“Alright,” Dale offers with a shrug, hands in his pockets. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately and I’m just reminding you that she’s just a teenager.”

Rick frowns uncomfortably, listening to Dale’s words with tight lips. “I’m married,” he offers as though it clears up everything.

The older male simply nods in response. “I never claimed otherwise.”

And before he has the chance to rebut, to call Dale out for his ludicrous accusations, the man is taking off for the house.

He decides the worst part might just be how easy Dale had been able to read him.

Rick watches his retreating form, headache forming behind both eyelids.

* * *

 

It takes some coaxing, but Rick finally gets Beth out of bed and downstairs for lunch.

He can tell she’s embarrassed, still reeling from her confession from days ago, but he does his best not to think about it. He had missed her more than he’d been willing to admit to himself, more than he still is willing to admit, but he knows she needs to stop cooping herself up in bed all day and night.

She has missed him too, though, judging by the small grin on her face as she eats her peanut butter and jelly sandwich by his side at their usual spot on the porch. Only this time Glenn and Maggie are there too.

Her sister glances Beth’s way enough times in a row that Rick is able to realize he is better off just staying quiet for the time being. Maggie is obviously concerned about something.

He wants to tell Beth that it is fine, that her confession is okay and that she has no need to be embarrassed, but he swallows those particular words down with every bite of his own food, instead choosing to admire the sun in the sky while he eats his meal.

Eventually Maggie and Glenn leave, both preparing for another run into town. Rick is finally able to turn and meet the blondes gaze the second he decides that they are far enough away from earshot.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” he whispers. Rick doesn’t know why his words come out so softly, probably because he is worried about pushing Beth away or humiliating her further.

He wants to touch her, to comfort her but knows that he can’t, that he shouldn’t. It would be wrong, it would only feed into his newfound feelings and he just can’t have that. His fingertips spasm restlessly against his thighs but he forces them to stay by his sides.

“Not here,” Beth shakes her head, blushing. “Please.”

He nods easily enough, accepting this. It’s obvious she doesn’t want anybody overhearing and honestly Rick doesn’t either. “Talk in the barn?”

He watches her eyes widen, blue orbs trained on his in total fear as though he’s just asked her the most absurd question of her life, before she swallows and shakes her head once more, this time much more rapidly. “No!”

Rick looks at her with a sense of uneasiness, uncertain of where her sudden rashness has come from. “Beth…”

Squeezing her eyes shut, hands in tight fists resting on her lap, Beth breathes out deeply before licking along her lips.

Opening both eyes, she turns her head to look Rick straight in the eyes. “There are walkers in the barn.”

The rest of Rick’s comforting words die on his tongue.

* * *

 

Rick doesn’t make it to their gun training session the next day.

To be honest, Beth is very much worried about it. She still can’t believe that she had told him about the walkers, or that she had admitted so quickly about them being in the barn. It was almost like a reflex, she reasons. This thought doesn’t do much to stop the blonde from worrying, and definitely didn’t last night when she had spent the evening tossing and turning in bed, sweat all along her clammy brow and hands numbing with uncertainty.

For all she knows Rick is off speaking with Hershel about it right this very moment.

Beth ends up missing her third jar in a row, too distracted by thoughts of Rick and the walkers and the look of disappointment she will spot on her father’s face when he finds out she told.

“Beth,” Shane’s voice comes out hard, pulling her from her thoughts, and she turns to look at him as he approaches her. “What in the hell is the matter with you today? You ain’t never missed like that before.”

She feels embarrassed, blushing lightly and shrugs in response with no real excuse to give. It’s not like she’s about to tell him the truth.

Shane sighs deeply, running his hand over his head before placing it upon her shoulder. His hand doesn’t feel right there, not like Rick’s does. “Why don’t you go on in for the day? Take a break or somethin’. We don’t need you out here wastin’ bullets.”

Beth hands over her gun quick enough, too worried to be angered by his rudeness, sliding out of Shane’s grip and walking quickly back towards the farmhouse.

She is a bit humiliated, but mostly angry that he called her out like that in front of everybody. The biggest disappointment, however, is in herself for being so distracted.

It’s like Rick is a constant in her mind nowadays, always there and controlling her thoughts and actions. She doesn’t like feeling so distracted all of the time, but she just likes Rick so much and can’t seem to help herself.

He’s sweet and charming and cute and nice to her.

And he’s married with kids and twice her age.

Right now he is probably telling her father about the walkers, admitting Beth’s betrayal and getting himself kicked out in the process.

Beth realizes with a heavy heart that she is never going to see him again.

* * *

 

Rick doesn’t dare stop in to visit her before he takes off with Glenn to go find Hershel.

He couldn’t possibly, he just can’t bring himself to see her like that. He can’t visualize the sweet girl he’s come to care for so deeply lying there unmoving in bed, eyes unfocused and shock coursing through her veins.

It had been bad enough hearing her cry after they had killed all of the walkers in the barn. Rick had been content to let bygones be bygones, to never tell a single soul about what Beth had confessed to him if it meant Hershel letting them stay. But then Glenn caved and told the group—he must have found out through Maggie, Rick had reasoned—and Shane had gone about things in a very Shane manner, forcing open the doors in front of everybody and making them kill all of Beth’s neighbors, friends, and family.

It’s no wonder she’s in such a state, he realizes after swallowing thickly.

Still, he can’t get her cries from out of his head. And just can’t quit thinking about her pushing him away when he had tried to stop her from going towards her mother.

When her walker form had grabbed Beth he had nearly lost it. He couldn’t breathe. He was pretty sure he was going to die himself, with the sudden rush of fear coloring his senses and freezing his bones.

And that’s why he needed to leave and bring back Hershel. Rick is afraid of staying, of being there right now and allowing Lori to see something in his unfocused gaze that lets her know just how much he really cares for Beth, and in what way.

She’d sure as hell kill him if Hershel didn’t do it first.

He smiles after Glenn tells him Maggie loves him, after he questions her reasoning’s. And Rick gives him his own opinions back, makes sure that Glenn understands that Maggie is old enough to know what she means.

But the entire time his heart just isn’t in it. Not while Beth is back on the farm in bed, sick as she is. Rick feels like gagging just thinking about it, afraid that this may be all his fault. If he had just controlled Shane a bit better…maybe he could have stopped it.

Maybe Beth would be okay right now.

* * *

 

“Rick is a good man, a good man,” Lori whispers, fingertips pressed to her lips as she watches Beth sleeping from a chair in the corner of the room.

Maggie is sitting beside her in bed, stroking her hair absentmindedly as she regards the brunette before her. “He’s goin’ after my daddy,” she agrees. “He’s a real good man.”

“I just wish he wasn’t sometimes, you know? I just wish I wasn’t always worrying, wasn’t always fearing for his safety. He just cares too much.” Lori doesn’t like admitting this out loud, hoping Maggie doesn’t interpret her words as not caring about her sister. Honestly, she does care. She’s come to care about Beth quite a bit, about all of them quite a bit.

Maggie shakes her head slowly, hair swaying by her head. “Don’t say that,” she tells her, “we’re all becomin’ family now. We all need each other and he’s out there, Glenn is out there, savin’ family.”   

Lori sighs deeply, thinking her words over for a moment or two. She thinks about Carl being here alone, about her unborn baby being here alone, about something happening because Rick is out there trying to solve everybody else’s problems.

And then she thinks about why he cares so much, why he took one look at Beth and bolted out that door without a second glance her own way.

Maybe they are just becoming more of a family to Rick. Sure, Lori cares for these people, but she’s just not ready to die for them yet.

Rick might be; he’s always been that type.

* * *

 

Glenn visits her the first day after.

He doesn’t talk much really, just sits there and watches her as she watches him.

Beth pulls her covers up further, hiding her bandage beneath the safety of her blanket as though it’ll make what she’s done disappear, make him forget about it or perhaps not remember why she is still here in bed.

She’s not sure why he’s here, if it’s really for her or if he just feels like he should be because of Maggie. Regardless, Beth finds her lip quirking up at him, happy to have somebody caring about her enough to check up on her wellbeing.

She has only seen Rick once since she had gone into shock. It was late at night, after Hershel had tucked her into bed for the evening. Rick had gone out to get her father and came back with him just like he said he would. Beth had finally come out of her shock by that point but honestly that had felt worse than just lying there aimlessly and lost. And her trouble had been made worse because he never came to visit her.

Except for once at night when he thought Beth was fast asleep.

She can still feel his hand affectionately brushing her cheek.

So Beth had kind of been hoping it would be Rick coming to see her today even though she knows he’s probably still out on his run. And while it had only been Glenn, she figures that somebody is better than nobody at all.

He’s not bad company, really. He’s not forcing her to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about. He’s not even forcing her to talk at all. He just sits there with his arms crossed in front of his chest, watching her as she breathes.

“Have you ever felt bad enough before that you wanted to kill yourself?”

Beth doesn’t know where these words come from, why she has thought them up and asked them without thinking it over. She almost feels stupid for even bringing it up, but if the sadness lingering within Glenn’s eyes is anything to go by, he knows exactly what she means.

Reaching forward, he tentatively grabs her hand within his own and squeezes comfortingly. “Once,” he admits finally, blowing out a long stream of air after. “After things got bad and phones stopped working, I didn’t know what happened to my family—still don’t—but I was alone and freaking out and these _things_ were trying to eat my flesh. And I thought about it, had the pills ready to take and everything, but then things happened and I made it to this refugee camp. And I lived.”

She nods slowly, eyes clouding over with tears as she watches him. Slowly, ever so slowly, she pulls her hand out from beneath the blanket and places it over top of his that is still holding her own.

Maybe she can do this. Maybe it’s okay to let people see.

“I lived, too,” she whispers after, closing her eyes.

Glenn stays with her until she falls to sleep, and then even longer, until somehow it becomes morning and Hershel is waking him up with a gentle hand to his back.

* * *

 

Rick and Shane have Randall tied up in the barn, still reeling from their failed mission, before anybody else knows that they are back.

It’s been a long day and he’s tired, confused, and upset with Shane’s actions. But more so upset with himself, upset with the fact that he continuously allows Shane to do this, to push his buttons and dictate his life and his actions.

By the time he’s back inside the farmhouse, tired and ready to wash up and eat and go to sleep—maybe finally check on Beth for the first time and quit acting like the coward he knows he truthfully is—Lori is approaching him and wrapping her arms around him so tight he forgets to breathe.

Her own breathing is heavy, constricted, and full of a worry that sends a sense of dread through Rick’s entire being. Pulling back and squeezing her shoulders, he focuses in on her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

He wonders but he’s not sure if he’s really ready to hear it. He can tell just by looking at her that something’s not quite right.

Lori sighs, running a hand through her hair before placing that very same hand along his cheek. “Beth tried killin’ herself while you were gone. We got to her in time, Hershel stitched her up, but she tried.”

He stands still as stone after; numb

Never uttering a word, eyes tired and body heavy with the weight of the world, he silently allows Lori to lead him upstairs, to help wash him off, to change him and get him back outside to the tent.

The next thing he knows he’s beneath the stars, spread out with Lori in his lap and he can’t for the life of him figure out where the time’s gone.

His sigh is deep, one of a broken man, and when he finally falls into a restless slumber his eyes fill with tears and sheets stain red with Beth’s blood.

* * *

 

Both of them stare wordlessly at her bandaged wrist for what feels like ages.

Beth has never felt quite like this before in her life, this sort of panic that eats away at your soul and every vital organ you have in your body. Her heart begins to thump so loud she swears she can hear it as it echoes in her ears, her blood pumping one hundred miles a minute through too tight veins that she’s just itching to scratch through.

The cut on her wrist throbs, a silent taunting and reminder of the big ‘what if’ now looming over her life. She’s almost embarrassed by it, by these memories reminding her of just how weak she is.

“I’m sorry,” she finally whispers after some time.

Her voice is soft, gentle, but there’s a shake to it that his Rick finding her hand and placing it within his own. Gripping tight, he slips his fingers in between hers and rubs at the skin along the back of her hand with his calloused ridden fingertips.

Beth closes both eyes, tear marks tracking her pale cheeks, and he wipes them away with his lips, pressing several individual kisses all across her face. Eventually his lips meet her own, shaking slightly with nerves, and he places them hesitantly against Beth’s.

She would like to say she’s surprised by his gesture, in disbelief over him finally kissing her in such a way when it’s the only thing she’s ever wanted since they first met, but she thinks that maybe it’s been a long time coming.

And it feels good too, really good. Better than she’d ever dreamed it could be.

But they’re in the loft of the barn currently, their prisoner held hostage below them with a bag over his head, and it might not be the best time to be doing this.

Because of Randall, because Lori will come looking soon, because Beth has a fresh cut on her wrist telling her she has a few things she just needs to figure out first.

Pushing Rick away, he watches with eyes full of confusion until, minutes after, the cloudiness clears and all that is left is understanding.

Pressing a parting kiss to her temple, he helps her back down the ladder and out of the barn.

* * *

 

Beth spends the next afternoon in a daze, unsure if the kiss Rick had given her had even been real.

It couldn’t possibly be.

It’s Rick Grimes, for one thing. And he’s married and has a child and another on the way and it couldn’t possibly be.

But as much as she tells herself that it’s fake, that it never happened, she can still feel his lips as though they’re on her own. Her skin still tingles from the spots he’d touched. She can still picture him sitting beside her, grabbing her hand within his own.

She almost feels bad for Lori.

She wants to.

Maybe it’s her suicide attempt, maybe it’s this life that’s been hardening her, but she just can’t bring herself to do so. Not when she has her own chance at happiness right there in her grasps.

Beth shouldn’t have to give up her own pleasure just for the benefit of somebody else.

She can still remember the first time she really looked at Rick, truly saw into those eyes of his. She shivers at the memory, wrapping her arms around herself in hopes of keeping warm. She never once thought it would actually lead her here to this point.

When he’d looked at her back in the barn, those blue eyes of his trained on her own, she’d spotted it again.

It’s not much, but it’s enough to let her know that he’s serious. That Rick really wants this, too.

As she sits on the porch and watches both Daryl and Shane transferring Randall from the barn—the barn where they’d kissed—off towards a shed further from the property, Beth finds herself wondering when she can get Rick back inside of there.

This time alone.

* * *

 

When did he become this type of person?

He’s struggling, Rick can admit as much to himself.

He’s a police officer, an enforcer of the law. It’s his job, his duty, to protect people from criminals and from people that do wrong. And now he’s falling for a teenager and throwing away every single positive thing he’s ever thought about himself in the past.  

It’s not right.

He’d been trying to tell himself that it wasn’t real, that he’d been making it all up in his head. But then she’d cut her wrists and cut his heart and he’d kissed her in a way far too intimate to mean anything but everything he’s been fighting so hard against.

Rick is a pervert; he’s sick in the head.

There has to be some form of explanation for all of this. Something more than simply her beauty and her kindness and her sweet lips that have been begging to be kissed by his own for some time now.

He shouldn’t want this, but he does.

And even if his head is all fucked up, that doesn’t really excuse doing what he’s doing to his child, to his pregnant wife. But Lori hasn’t been his wife for a while now, they both know it even if they’ve yet to say it out loud. Just as much as he’s not been her husband. They’re two lost people too afraid to admit these truths to each other.

Lori has Shane now, she could be happy with him even if she denies it with every fiber of her being. Rick can see it in her eyes when they touch, when they talk.

Maybe she can see it in his eyes too, he reasons.

This worries him, increases his heartbeat. Maybe when he looks at her she sees Beth clear as day in his eyes, drifting around in his brain and through his veins and into his organs and swimming through his blood—drifting from in between his lips with each puff of breath.

God, he hopes it’s not true. He’s barely ready to admit it to himself, let alone defend himself in front of a crowd of angry people. They’ll have their pitchforks at the ready, forcing him to admit his perversion aloud for the whole world to hear and judge him.

Still, as much as he hates himself for this, dreads the thought of people finding out, he already knows she’s written all across his skin in permanent ink. He’d do anything she asks of him, anything at all. There isn’t a single bone in his body not willing to accept her words, whatever they may be.

It’s no wonder Dale had confronted him about the potential.

By now it’s not waiting for when someone will find out about it, it’s waiting for when somebody brings it up to him, face to face, because they already know.

* * *

 

“Please.”

Beth hates begging, hates the way her voice sounds when she wants something really badly, but can’t help in doing so as she watches Rick.

He’s by her side in the loft of the barn, hands clasped tightly in his lap. She’s almost certain he’s digging his nails into his own flesh with the force he’s using to squeeze.

“It’s wrong,” he offers eventually, voice hoarse. His eyes find hers, blue eyes meeting blue, and Beth admits to herself that he looks tired.

Tired of playing these games, of denying himself the things he truly wants.

It’s the moment she realizes that he’s willing, that he’s going to do it because he wants to, because he wants her, and she finds herself biting her lip in anticipation. When his hand finally touches her cheek, caressing the warm flesh there, she allows a small groan to fall past both parted lips.

His touch is light, gentle, and he takes his time to care for her.

Once she’s naked beneath him, exposed and left nervous, he does his best to sooth away her worries with soft kisses and even softer words.

Rick’s beard scratches at her skin and tickles her while simultaneously furthering her pleasure. His lips trail her flesh and burn like the tip of a cigarette every time he touches her. But it’s a good burn, a burn she want more of, and moans out softly in desire.

His lips scrape her teeth, her cheeks, the indent of her neck and the swell of her breasts before he finally takes a nipple into his mouth.

Beth rests pliantly beneath him, the hay from the barn pokes at her back through the fabric of the blanket they’re sharing. She moans in response to his ministrations, pleased by his mouth and his fingers as the work her body over.

But as much as Beth is eager, she is scared too.

She chooses to be honest because she wants this, she wants him so badly, and she doesn’t want to be afraid of telling him how she’s feeling or what she’s needing. Being with him in this way means being willing to admit the truth, no matter what that may be.

“I’ve never…” she trails off in a whisper, shaking her head as she bites at her lip. She’s never felt so childish and so grown up all at once. Lying naked in the loft of the barn with Rick on top of her, his rigid cock pressing against her inner thigh. It’s a weird feeling to say the least, but one she already knows she wants more of.

“I know sweetheart,” he acknowledges, voice tight. He takes a moment to close both eyes, to think for himself. These are the last few moments of clarity he has left before it happens, before he takes this young girl for himself and forever changes her. The remembrance of her virginity only furthers his heartbeat, his worry increasing.

Beth can sense how aroused he is, how much he needs to be inside of her, but can also tell how scared he is. She chooses to be brave for the both of them, pulling a condom from out of his jeans. Handing it over the blonde nods slowly, making sure Rick can sense her clear desire, and he takes his time in opening the package and rolling it along his length.

Hands stroking the flesh of her hips, he peppers comforting kisses along her jaw and neck. “Say you don’t want this, you don’t want me, and I won’t hesitate to stop. Just promise me you want this right now.”

Beth sighs, nodding, and her eyelashes flutter with the weight of her arousal. But it’s not good enough for Rick and he pulls her close, kissing her tenderly on the mouth before running a hand through her hair. “Promise out loud.”

“I promise,” she responds, voice shaky. “I promise, please. I promise I want this, Rick.”

He slides into her with a single, slow thrust and Beth closes both eyes in response. Her nose crinkles slightly as she experiences a discomfort unlike any other she has ever felt before.

She feels almost as though she is burning around his cock, her center stretched to its peak as he eventually stills inside of her. Beth can feel every single inch of him inside of her body, filling her up. But with the burn, with the tightness, something akin to pleasure soon begins to filter through.

Rick rests on his elbows above her, patiently watching her and caring for her, waiting for her cue to continue. It’s when she moans breathily and her eyes flicker back open to meet his that he realizes he can move.

Beth decides right away that she’s glad she never asked Maggie about this, about what it feels like to be with a man in this way. She doubts her sister could have done it justice, anyhow. It’s an experience completely new for her, and it doesn’t just have to do with Rick’s cock as he thrusts himself inside of her.

It has to do with his hands on her face and fingertips running across her lips and it has to do with the little groans he emits here and there by her ear, practically a whisper but full of desire; one she wishes to bottle up and listen to forever. It has to do with his sweat, sticky as it drops from his chest and onto her own. It has to do with the lightness in his eyes as he watches her, making her feel like the most important woman in his entire world as he continues to push his cock inside of her.

Beth realizes that he’s making love to her, that he’s taking the time to experience her, and she does her best to reciprocate by touching his chest and stomach and begins to run her fingers through his hair.

After, once Beth has experienced the most satisfying feeling of her life, constricting around his heavy cock as she comes undone and pushing him along with her over the edge, they settle into the blankets and she rests in his arms.  

Neither speaks, Rick instead settles for brushing his fingers along her arm in a repetitive manner as she breathes against his chest.

And things feel good.

* * *

 

Something has been going on with Shane.

Beth can’t quite put her finger on it and isn’t able to pinpoint an exact problem per say, but she does know that it’s there. He’s been even more fidgety than usual, angrier and meaner too—something Beth hadn’t even figured to be possible—and she just knows that something is very wrong.

She is still angry at him for the barn incident, for forcing her to open her eyes to the realities of this cruel world. But Beth finds she is mostly upset that he had hurt her father and had caused him to go off drinking, searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle. And now Hershel has been blaming himself for her suicide attempt, blaming himself for not allowing Beth the chance to grieve for her family properly when she should have. The blonde doesn’t blame him in return. She faults Shane for forcing her family to come to terms with this entirely new perspective on life without their consent.

And she is mad at Shane because Carol had to watch everything happen, mad that Otis wasn’t around anymore to let them know Sophia had been in the barn the whole time.

And the blonde is damn mad at God for allowing all of these horrible things to happen to good people.

To be honest, she’s never quite felt the same about the walkers as Hershel had. Deep down she had already known what it was, what it all meant. But her father’s denial had given her the chance to pretend for herself that things were better than they were. It made her feel safer to be living in this bubble of delusion

She promises herself that she’ll never make that same mistake again.

Beth also makes a promise to figure out what’s going on with Shane.

* * *

 

Dale’s funeral is simple, quiet even, and full of love and respect and regret. Rick speaks from the heart when he speaks of Dale, of his life lived on the run as a part of their family.

In the back of his mind he remembers their talk, of Dale’s indirect threat to stay away from Beth, and feels horrible for even thinking for a second that it may be for the best he’s now gone.

Afterwards he watches Andrea take off for Dale’s camper, no doubt to cry in private. Others disperse as well, ready to continue living their lives the best they can despite this new loss. He’s repulsed by how normal funerals are becoming these days.

“Rick, I’d like a moment alone if I may?”

He can tell that it’s Hershel even though his face is turned from the man, still staring absentmindedly at his group as they leave the site of Dale’s burial. Rick takes a moment to compose himself, pinching at his brow in attempts to calm down his nerves before he turns and nods. “Sure Hershel,” he offers.

Rick follows the older man from the clearing they had been in, all of the way past their tents and the camper until they are finally standing on the front porch of the farmhouse. The wood creeks beneath his feet gently as he stands there, waiting for Hershel to say something.

The entire time he waits there he’s wringing the ends of his flannel in between his fingertips, his nerves getting the better of him. Rick doesn’t like this newfound part of his personality, he hates it really, but he just can’t stop thinking about his betrayal every time Hershel asks to speak with him nowadays.

He had deflowered the older man’s daughter only a few days ago, and not just any daughter but his baby girl. He prays Hershel can’t spot the truth in his eyes, on his face. If the eyes are really the gateway to the soul he figures he’s fucked. Every part of his being is screaming Beth’s name right now, her handprint engraved on his heart. Hershel finding out would ruin everybody’s chances of ever settling down, of being given shelter and a home and possibly their life.

You can imagine Rick’s surprise when Hershel grabs his arm, squeezing tight, and smiles softly. “I’ve been doin’ a lot of thinking, Rick. I’ve decided it’s time. Time for your group to move in and join us, time for your group to become our group. My girls trust you and I trust you. We need you here.”

He can feel his heart as it jumps within the confines of his chest in time to Hershel’s words, both from thankfulness and worry. Rick is thankful for finally being given the go ahead to call this place home after all this time but really worried for both Beth and himself. If Hershel finds out, if anyone finds out, they will have to leave and he realizes as much.

Rick feels an immense amount of guilt as he watches the older man smiling his way.

He knows that he should stop this—whatever _this_ is—that has started between them. If not for himself then for the sake of their group. Everything about it screams wrong, every little last bit, but Rick knows he doesn’t have the will in him to give up the first good thing in his life to come around in months.

Forcing a smile onto his face, he extends his hand and offers it to Hershel. “We accept,” he tells him. The older man shakes his offered hand with ease, clasping Rick’s own in a firm grip.

He’s always been good at keeping secrets, anyway.

* * *

 

“Beth looks happier lately.”

Lori brings it up casually enough while she’s folding laundry.

“I guess,” Rick agrees tersely, body stiffening as he sits on the edge of the bed. He had been in the middle of lacing up his boots, getting ready to go back outside and help gather the rest of their camp items. His jaw slackens nervously, mouth parted slightly, as he awaits her response.

Lori’s words have stopped him cold in his tracks, memories of the barn and of Beth in his arms coming back tenfold. He can still hear her beneath him as she had moaned in pleasure, his own name leaving her lips while he had taken away the remainder of her innocence. Meanwhile, his wife had been only feet away and pregnant no less. A part of Rick hates himself for it, but the bigger part will only hate himself more if he and Beth stop; if they’re caught.

“You guess?” Her tone is teasing, playful, and she doesn’t sound at all mad.

Rick can’t decide which voice he would honestly be preferring right now. Maybe she should be mad, god knows he deserves it. “You two have been spending quite a bit of time together. It’s sweet.”

Rick pinches his brow uncomfortably, eyes scrunching anxiously. “She’s a nice girl.” He tries to end it there, fearing anything else Lori may be about to say. This is probably the last conversation he wants to have right now.

“Seems to have a bit of a crush on you,” Lori admits, continuing to work on the laundry. He chances a glance her way, turning his head so he can see her, and she smiles at him with a laugh in response. “Don’t act so surprised, Rick. It’s pretty obvious.”

“Hadn’t noticed,” he offers, coughing afterwards. He returns his attention to his boots, finishing tying them tight before he stands and stretches.

Lori snorts, brushing a strand of hair back from off of her forehead. “You never notice things like that,” she supplies with a shrug. “Just be careful, okay? I don’t want you doin’ anything to upset that young girl. Don’t tell her I mentioned it to you, it might embarrass her.”

Rick nods as casually as possible, leaving Lori to her work after.

It’s only once he’s left the room, the door now shut tightly in between him and his wife that he allows himself to breath once more. The tension throughout his own body is nearly straining every muscle, it’s so strong.

_It might embarrass her._

Rick somehow doubts that one.

* * *

 

Rick’s smile is gentle, thoughtful almost, as he admires Beth before him.

She’s still gathering boxes, emptying old clothes from inside of the ones she has already found beneath her bed. With so many people in the house now there is a lot of stuff to be taken care of. Hershel had asked Beth to empty out the boxes and containers in her room in order to offer them up to the group for use.

She had happily obliged, asking Rick to help her out. Hershel had sent them off with a grateful smile on his face and it had made Rick feel absolutely horrible for a moment.

He doesn’t have a clue what they’ve been doing together, the things that Rick has done to his child or the things she has been doing to him in return. He knows he should feel guilty, that he deserves to for what he’s gotten himself into, but knowing this doesn’t make feeling that way any less hard.

They’ve only been in her room for a few minutes, but so far Rick is pleased. She seems to actually be interested in gathering up her things and he almost convinces himself she hasn’t asked him up here with ulterior motives in mind. It’s only when he bends down beside her to help that she casually slips her hand along his inner thigh.

He freezes at the touch, hating the way his cock jumps beneath the fabric of his jeans. There is no way they can do something like this here, not now, not with twelve people right below them downstairs. If they’re caught now he’ll be crucified.

Rick is just about to open up his mouth and tell her as much when her hand glides up higher, fingertips rubbing at his erection through his jeans. He groans in response, eyes shutting, and can already feel his resolve breaking.

“C’mon,” she whispers, voice soft in his ear as she grabs him by the hand and pulls him with her into her bathroom.

The door shuts with a sense of finality behind them and he’s happy to at least be somewhere a bit more private. Beth has her jeans and panties pulled off in a matter of seconds and he’s left standing before her, both shocked and turned on by her abruptness. It’s only when he feels her working at his own pants that he kicks himself into gear.

Pulling his jeans off and boxers down to his knees, his cock springs forward and juts to life. Beth watches him eagerly, biting her lip slightly and obviously pleased by how hard he already is for her.

Her hand reaches forth to wrap around his erection, swiping her thumb over the head to gather a bit of precum, before she begins to jerk him off in earnest. Rick directs her towards the sink as she does so, lifting her to sit on the countertop before his own fingers begin trailing along her core.

It doesn’t take long, not with the excitement of touching each other in this way, the thrill of knowing everyone is just downstairs, and Rick barely has two fingers inside of Beth, soaked due to her own arousal, when she orgasms with a soft moan and clenches tight around his digits.

This spurns Rick on and he cums, too, dripping clear fluid from the tip of his dick onto her hand and thigh.

Beth can’t help but giggle slightly once they’re done, still in the process of getting used to all of these new feelings and seeing Rick in such a state. The blonde seems pleased with herself as she releases his cock from her grasp.

They’re both working on composing themselves, Beth taking a second to stop and wipe his cum from off of her leg, when a knock on her bedroom door sounds.

Any sense of serenity he may be feeling in this moment dies in his stomach and is replaced by an absolute sense of dread. He’s quick to grab for his boxers, pulling them up before he pulls on his jeans. His hands tremble the entire time, sweat dripping from his forehead as he fumbles with his zipper.

Beth is working fast herself, trying to get her tight jeans up her own legs. She can hear her bedroom doorknob twisting open and the soft voice of Patricia calling out for her and she swallows thickly, hands working overtime to button her pants back up just as the bathroom door opens.

Beth and Rick do their best to act as casual as possible, standing far apart with their hearts hammering in their chests and hands on their hips.

Patricia regards them curiously. “You okay, Beth?” She asks, eyes squinting as she’s a bit confused about what they’re doing in the bathroom. “Hershel is wondering what’s taking you two so long.”  

“Just got a splinter while I was lookin’ under the bed. Rick got it out though. Tell daddy we’ll be right back down.” Beth’s smile is as sweet as possible when she lies to Patricia, saving both of their asses. Her voice quivers the slightest bit, but it’s only a little. Rick figures Patricia will just assumes it’s from the pain of her made up sliver perhaps, if she even heard it in her voice at all, and is proven right as both watch Patricia nodding in response.

“Be careful honey,” she smiles before exiting her room, obviously satisfied by Beth’s answer.

Rick releases the breath he’d been holding, sweeping his hand over his brow to wipe the sweat off. “We can’t do that again,” he whispers. “Not here.”

Beth turns to face him with a worried nod, her fake smile long gone, and pulls him in for one last kiss before she makes her way back over towards the boxes.

He can only hope neither of them smell of sex as they head downstairs.

* * *

 

“I’m glad things are workin’ out with you and Glenn.” Beth’s smile is genuine as she looks her sister’s way.

They’re both in the kitchen, putting together a meal for their first night in the farmhouse together as one group. Lori and Carol are helping as well, cutting up vegetables on the island.

Maggie grins, nodding her head before she rubs her hand up and down Beth’s arm in comfort. “I’m glad too,” she promises. “But he’s refusin’ to sleep in my room with me, ‘cause of daddy.”

The blonde huffs out a small laugh, continuing to peel the potatoes, and shakes her head. “Just sneak him in once daddy’s gone to bed.”

 Maggie pauses to stare her way pointedly, arching her right brow as she looks over her younger sister. “Spoken like somebody who knows what they’re talkin’ about. You admitin’ to me you’ve done that before?”

Beth tries to laugh it off, turning from her sister’s penetrative gaze, but her blush must give her away. Maggie gasps, eyes wide before she pushes her playfully on the chest. “Bethany!”

Her loud shout pulls Lori and Carol from their own work, both glancing in the direction of the sisters apprehensively. The last time they had been fighting things didn’t exactly end up well. But they’re only left grinning in relief once they spot Maggie and Beth smiling at each other.

“You’re so bad, who’ve you been sneakin’ into your room?” The brunette whispers.

Beth pauses momentarily, side eying Lori for the briefest of moments, before coughing uncomfortably. “Not sneakin’ in, sneakin’ out,” she admits finally. “It’s been a while though,” she adds on, lying.

“Beth,” Maggie pauses, unsure of how to ask her young sister just what exactly she’s wondering. Suddenly the playfulness is gone, a gentle seriousness settling into its place. “You’re not, or, you haven’t been…you know?”

If she wasn’t blushing before she sure is now, clinging to her knife like it’s her lifeline. She plays with the handle, fiddling with it in between her fingertips. Rick pops into her mind like a flash, his naked body covering her own, his cock pushing inside of her for the very first time.

Eventually she shakes her head quickly, turning away. “No! Just kissin’ and stuff,” she swears.

Maggie doesn’t look quite convinced, biting her lip hesitantly, but eventually lets it go and they continue to cook.

* * *

 

Beth is helping Rick secure the property a bit better, fixing up old fencing around the house, when he finally tells her the truth.

“About Lori,” he starts, still hammering away. She stiffens slightly, not expecting to be hearing him say anything about her.

“I don’t wanna know, Rick,” she pleads, frowning.

The blonde can only assume that he’s since come to his senses and realized she’s just a stupid little girl. He’s going to tell her that he doesn’t want Beth telling his wife about them after he breaks things off, she just knows it.

Eventually he sets the hammer aside, wiping the sweat off his face with a piece of cloth from his back pocket before he throws that aside, too. “It’s not what you’re thinkin’,” he promises her, eyeing her hands. Beth knows that he wants to reach out and grab them but they’re in the open right now, T-Dog and Daryl not far off working on fencing of their own and Glenn and Maggie even further down the way.

Regardless, this notion helps to comfort her. She can tell something is wrong, can see it in his eyes as he looks up at her. “The baby might be Shane’s,” he finally admits.

Beth doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do or say. She feels almost confused for a second, doing her best to process all of these new thoughts and emotions. It’s only when she remembers all those months ago, the day she had taken notice of Rick seeming to be angry with Shane and Lori that she begins putting two and two together.

“Rick,” the blonde frowns deeply, reaching forth to run a comforting hand through his hair before she can stop herself. She pulls back just as quickly, glancing around, but everyone is too busy with their own work to be paying any close attention to them.

He shakes his head, scratching at the growing scruff on his beard. She can see deep lines along his forehead and by his eyes, his own face tight with worry and anger. Beth doesn’t like the way it looks; resentment looks wrong as it graces his face. He has a face made for smiling, not being upset.

“It’s been eatin’ at me, I just wanted you to know about it,” he confesses sincerely.

Rick knows it’s supposed to be a secret and that Lori doesn’t want people knowing about it, but he’s tired of keeping it from Beth. She’s young and probably doesn’t need such a heavy weight on her shoulders right now, but he knows she can take it. He knows that she cares about him. And she deserves the truth. Young or not, she deserves that much from him.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, eyes downcast. She wants to touch him again, and she almost does, but Shane’s frantic shouting soon pulls the both of them from their conversation.

Beth steps back quickly as Rick rises to his feet, desperately searching around for his friend.

Beth and Rick both spot him at the same time, face bloodied as he emerges from the woods, and they can tell that it’s not good news they’re about to hear.

It only gets worse once he tells them, once he starts shouting about Randall and escaping and being overpowered. Beth shivers in fear but does as told when Rick ushers everyone inside.

This is the last thing they need right now.

* * *

 

Lori calls out for Carl for the fifth or sixth time, voice hoarse by this point as she frantically searches for her missing son.

Beth does her best to stay calm, to wash down the bile rising in her throat with a strong dose of hope. Patricia is by her side, hands clasped together as they peep through the window at the disarray outside.

She can’t believe that this is actually happening.

It’s her home, her entire life, and she’s watching it being burnt down to the ground without any hope of salvaging it. It’s a horrible feeling.

Beth knows it’s callous to think so, especially with Sophia and Dale’s own deaths so fresh in their minds, but she likens it to losing a family member. This house, their home, it’s been family for the entirety of her life. She took her first steps on this floor, learned to talk in between these walls, kissed her first boy on the couch in the living room, and it’s the only thing she has left of her mama.

Beth has never before felt such a sense of helplessness.

And to make matters worse, Rick is gone. After Randall had taken off, he had too. And he hasn’t come back yet which makes Beth sick with worry. She can’t even imagine how anyone else must be feeling right now. Or how he must be feeling, out there by his lonesome and surrounded by walkers.

He is out there, though. Beth does know that with certainty. There’s absolutely no way Rick is dead, it’s not possible and she’ll refuse to believe it until the very second she sees his lifeless body before her.

She almost wants to yell at Lori to stop screaming for Carl, to shout for herself and tell her to watch after her son better. The blonde thinks better of it almost immediately. Beth isn’t in her right mind currently, her head too filled with worry and fear. She knows deep down inside that it would be far too cruel to say such a thing to the poor woman. Her son is missing and her husband is out there alone. Beth may be angry with her for what she has done to Rick, but she’s not that callous of a human being.

When Lori and Carol come back inside the farmhouse minutes later, Carl still gone, they tell them that it’s time to go. Beth doesn’t even feel like she’s in her own body anymore as she watches Lori grabbing her hand and pulling her from the house.

She feels out of her body when Patricia is attacked and bitten, slipping from her fingertips before Beth can be bitten, too; pulled away by Lori.

She feels out of her body the entire ride from the house, crying into the brunette’s chest as T-Dog drives them away from her burning home.

And suddenly Beth doesn’t mind that it’s Lori she’s with anymore, just doesn’t have any fight or anger left in her. If they are her family now, her only family, she can’t afford to hold any grudges. She tries to come to terms with this but just can’t seem to do it.

It can’t be true.

Her daddy is still out there, Maggie and Glenn as well.

And Rick…Rick Grimes is out there, too.

Beth knows her faith is the most important thing in the world right now and she’ll be damned to have gotten this far for it to just end in a flash like this.

When Lori threatens to jump from the vehicle, Beth is ready to do so herself. But then T-Dog is sighing in defeat and throwing the car around and suddenly they’re back on the road, headed for the highway.

Beth can feel it in her heart that they’re not the only ones.

* * *

 

She can’t believe it.

Beth is in disbelief as she stands on the highway, wrapped up in Hershel and Maggie’s arms. She’s crying freely, both from happiness for her family’s survival and sadness for the losses of Patricia and Jimmy.

Her heart hurts when she thinks about him; what she’d been doing to him behind his back. And now she’ll never get the chance to apologize or explain herself. Not like she probably could have, anyhow. Just knowing that he’s gone now hurts deeply, but a big part of her feels proud of him for having saved both Rick and Carl’s lives in the process.

And Rick.

Watching Lori run from the truck and straight into Rick’s arms had stung a little bit, if she’s being honest with herself. But even more than that, there had been an immense amount of relief upon seeing his face.

As she stands before him now, head still resting against Hershel’s chest, she finds she can’t take her eyes off of him.

Rick himself is having trouble doing the same. Beth can sense his own relief as he looks at her. It’s evident in his body language and the newfound lightness within his blue orbs. She almost blushes beneath his gaze as it’s unlike anything she’s ever seen from him before. All she wants to do is hug him tight, pull him close and kiss his lips and thank God for his life, but there are far too many people around for her to be able to do so.

It’s only once they split off, getting ready to leave and find somewhere safer to stay that Rick pulls her aside.

“You okay?” He whispers quickly, tone hushed and fearful.

Beth nods back easily enough, allowing a small smile to curl at her lips. Her cheeks are still tearstained and dirty and she’s almost positive she looks crazy as she smiles at him, but it doesn’t stop the blonde from doing so.

His own upper lip quirks slightly and Rick is just itching to reach out and wipe the tears away. He can’t, instead settling with squeezing her wrist for the briefest of moments.

Afterwards they separate, taking off in their own vehicles with their families by their sides. 

* * *

 

The first time Beth and Rick get any significant amount of time alone together is after he’s admitted his truths to the group.

Beth is still wrestling with the idea that he had killed Shane, it still feels wrong to think about, but there isn’t a single part of her that doesn’t know he would never have done it unless it was absolutely necessary. Regardless, when she tries to remember the Rick from a few hours ago—looking at her with the intensity of all of the love in world—she finds that face now muddled within her head.

Still, when he walks up beside her on watch and tries to slip his hand in between her own she finds herself flinching slightly at the touch.

She regrets it almost instantly, sorry for the frown and look of hurt she sees Rick throw at her in return and even more sorry when she feels him pulling away.

“Rick, I didn’t mean to,” she supplies, biting her lip.

He shakes his own head in response, placing both of his hands in his pockets instead. “Don’t worry about it,” his voice sounds gruff, “I should of been expectin’ it.”  

Beth swallows heavily, turning away. She takes a moment to breathe out deeply, running her hands over her face and rubbing at her tired eyes. It’s been a long day. “I know you had to do it,” Beth assures him afterwards, her own voice soft and nearly a murmur, “I’m not sayin’ I don’t.”

“But…”

“But it scares me knowin’ that you could do it. I thought he was your best friend.” She finishes, finally turning to look at him again.

He meets her gaze and his face is all full of hard lines as he sports a deep grimace. “You don’t think I know that?” He offers incredulously, voice raising higher than it probably should be. “He’s been my best friend longer than you’ve been alive.”

Beth knows he doesn’t mean it the way it comes out but it still makes her cringe. She almost feels embarrassed for a moment, with Rick reminding her of just how young she is in comparison to him, of just how much older and more experienced in life he is than her. But she quickly decides that she shouldn’t be, that he’s not really upset with whatever it is they are to each other—he’s upset with himself.

“You know I didn’t mean that,” he backtracks after, eyes losing a bit of their anger. “I know you’re young, but you always seem to get me, Beth. I guess I was just hopin’ you’d get this, too.”

Her jaw clenches, fighting back tears. “Don’t do that,” she shakes her head. “You know I’ve cared about you for a long time, still do, and that I’ve always been around givin’ you praise and helpin’ you realize you’re better than you think. But I can’t be that person for you right now. You have to be that for you for once, because this is all just a little too much for me to handle.” 

“Fair enough,” he agrees, hand extending to rub along the back of his neck. Beth can tell that he’s upset with her, with himself, and with the world. But she also knows that he has to do this for himself for once. Nothing she can offer him will fix this or make him better. It has to come from him.

Maybe he is right about one thing, she is too young, but it doesn’t mean she can’t also be wise.

“You should go off and get some rest. I’ve got watch.” It doesn’t sound like a suggestion and she can tell it’s more of a demand. The blonde almost doesn’t want to leave and give into his words, but honestly she really is tired. And Beth doesn’t know if she has it in her to stay up with him for any longer. She’s almost afraid of what he might say to her if she stays.

Beth does reach out before she leaves though, placing her palm flat across his chest. He doesn’t move at all and barely reacts to the touch, but she can spot his eyes in the dark as they flicker in her direction, can feel his flesh as he shivers beneath her. “I’ll still be here in the morning,” she promises. She rubs tenderly at his chest for a moment before pulling back and walking away.

She doesn’t look back, she can’t bring herself to do it right now even though she wants to.

Beth never ends up seeing when Rick looks back at _her_.


End file.
